Breastfeeding is a Personal Choice
Blog Note: This post is part of our “Advice from those who Survived” Series, reflections of Women over 45 who made through pregnancy, motherhood, parenting, marriage, divorce, blended families, infertilty, PMS, female health issues, menopause and all the fun that goes with it.
The Chief Blonde and her son, Ben
I am kind of cringing in the corner as I write this. Breastfeeding is so touted, promoted, and “Approved” that people are aghast when they find out you don’t/didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t breastfeed. Hear me out, I CHOSE NOT TO BREASTFEED.
“But it’s the Best for the Baby” they gasp.
“You’ll miss critical Bonding time” they gush.
“He’ll get allergies” you are warned.
“She’ll feel neglected and unconnected with you” they chirp.
“You MUST breastfeed until they are 1 years old” they assert.
HMMMMM….
I Chose not to Breastfeed
I didn’t discuss this with anyone. I never carefully talked it over with my mother, my doctor, my husband or my baby. I just decided that breastfeeding was not for me. I watched my girlfriends “suffer” through it (cracked nipples, sleepless nights, constant worry) and I just said, “Um, NO THANKS”! So shoot me.
Why would a MBA with 20 years of formal education reject such a publically held notion and choose the “Unpopular” choice? Why would a mother who had suffered through 10 years of Husband ( the first husband) imposed waiting, then infertility, then a miscarriage, not choose the option that everyone “Says” is the only way to go? Why not even “Try” it? Well, I just didn’t want to, I chose to bottle feed. That was it. After 9 months of baby occupation, I needed my body back. I chose to bottle feed. I certainly didn’t mind feeding my children..it was a wonderful bonding time but I just didn’t feel that nutrition needed to come from me. I chose to bottle feed. During my pregnancy, my already large breasts swelled to gargantuan proportions. I just simply could not manage the size of them engorged with all that milk and pain. So I chose to bottle feed. I was never a big one for having my breasts touched anyway..so once again…I chose to bottle feed. My reasons are rational, and I never regretted it for one single second during and after both of my childrens’ births.
So what were the Results of My Choices? A Woman over 45 looks back.
As unpopular as my choice was among my friends, family, and society (yes, I took a lot of crap), my children turned out wonderful (IMO). My son is 21, studying to be a pharmacist, loves his mom and has no problem loving others. He is smart as a whip and the only allergies he has is a sensitivity to peanuts. My daughter is 19, gorgeous and lovely. She loves her mom and still calls me three times a day from University. She is super smart and talented and will be able to do ANYTHING she wants in life (She wants to be Martha Stewart). She does have seasonal allergies which she developed around 13. Related to lack of Breastfeeding…who will ever know?
Did either have a oversupply of childhood illnesses? Nope. Healthy as could be.
Did either ever hate my guts and not feel loved? Well it’s possible at moments..they WERE teenagers but no ..not really.
Did I dodge the “I didn’t breastfeed” bullet? Maybe. But I will NEVER regret my decision. I think breastfeeding would have made me NUTS.
Advice to NEW MOMS
In First World countries, babies can be given adequate nutrition from formula, IMO. You must do your research, consult the parenting books and make your own informed decisions. I am NOT a doctor, I am just a mom who decided breastfeeding wasn’t for me. I could not possibly advise you what you should do. Only you can decide that. But that is also my advice…ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE THAT! Know what I mean?
WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is Breastfeeding the ONLY way to feed a child?
Did this post make you think? Want to express an opinion? Can you Stumble it for me?
In my wildly unscientific study, those of my friends who chose not to breastfeed (for exactly the same reason as you) were PhDs. So what does that say?????
I chose not to breast feed as well. As selfish as it sounds after sharing my body for 9 months, I wanted it back. Both kids are truly bonded to me and are both healthy as a horse so they survived my choice. 🙂
My only son, now 31-years old, is adopted, so I really didn’t have a choice on this issue. He was bottle-fed, we bonded beautifully, and he’s a wonderful young man today and engaged to be married. Although many women are precluded from this conversation, that doesn’t mean we don’t have opinions. Mine is this: a woman should make her own decisions over what happens to her body. Period. But with this postscript: manufacturers of baby formula should use the highest standards of care and ethics, and the best ingredients, in its manufacture. Never thought to look into this matter before, so thank you and your readers for enlightening me!
You bring up the Best points on this issue. I totally agree. The Chief Blonde
I’m sure you posted your link to this on my blog assuming that I’d be up in arms. I’m not. All the comments on my blog were mostly unfounded – I had a list of blogs I don’t follow because they are actively marketing formula in a way that is against the World Health Code…. Like a post above here, it is the issue of Nestle especially giving formula away to moms who cannot afford more formula and often they do not have access to clean water (now check today, most water you buy at the store is Nestle).
A mom who researches and decides breastfeeding is not for her AND she can afford formula – that is her decision. I have family members who choose not to breastfeed because they get formula for free. Those subsidies increases the cost to you… and my sister, for example, didn’t with her first, started with her second… and decided to stop because formula was free (WIC and food stamps). Those were her words. It isn’t free, you and I are paying for it.
I’m happy that you are happy because a happy mom is a better mom for the most part. I do think that women need more support and if your friends had support perhaps you wouldn’t have been as fearful of trying.
Thanks again for your post.
Thanks for sharing!! For me personally… I tried to breast feed and was unable to do so! So we researched and bought the formula that we felt was best for our child… and we have a very happy & healthy child!! Will I try to breast feed again… yes BUT if it does not work out I KNOW that it will all be okay!!
I disagree with some of what you said but I would never tell someone they were a bad parent for not breastfeeding, I just wish everyone would give it a good go (6-8 weeks) before deciding to stop. I think many people just need true support (i.e. a close friend who is breastfeeding or did breastfeed)
A support of a good friend would make a big difference I am sure Kathleen. The Chief Blonde
I’m currently breastfeeding my almost two year old, so you know where I stand.
That being said, it was your choice and it’s not like you made it like a whiny new mom with no life experience that thought “Ew that’s gross”
You made a thoughtful decision that was right for you.
Good for you! I’m glad you could see my rationale even if your views vary! The Chief Blonde
I am pro breastfeeding, but not militant. I do get upset about 3rd world countries where formula is pushed for profit by doctors and the formula companies like Nestle. Most of the women are not properly educated, and cannot afford the formula, so they buy what they can and thin it out as much as possible. Educated people who feed their babies properly is not a reason for concern! I applaud your bravery!
XOXO
Paula
Hi Paula, Yes I was aware of this disastrous approach of the formula companies in third world countries, that’s why I specifically said First World. I am glad you could see my side, even though your approach is breastfeeding! The CHief Blonde
I loved this article. I bf my first and formula fed my second, and I have to say, I much prefer formula feeding and plan to ff my next. It is the right decision for us as a family.
I don’t have children yet, but I will probably try breast feeding. I am not against using formula if necessary, though. Like everything in life, we all have our own opinions. I don’t understand why people get so upset about this issue.
what a great article, Shelley. i did not breastfeed my eldest as I was not given a choice. I had a CS and when I recovered from the anesthesia, my daughter was alread given a bottle of milk. nobody asked me what I wanted. The doctors and the nurses decided for me so when we tried breastfeeding, my daughter won’t latch well. With the second and youngest, I breastfed. I don’t regret not having breastfed my daughter not having breastfed my son. It might work for you and your baby or not. and IMO, it’s the mother who decides, not the society nor nobody else. If one’s happy with her decision, whatever it is, then good for her. happy mom = happier kids.
Thanks for your relevant comments Lelanie! Thanks for sharing. It’s not always easy to do is it? The Chief Blonde
I don’t really get an opinion in this discussion but I do sort of feel that at least some breast feeding is important at least the first few days / weeks for immunity reasons. Do I think it is the only acceptable decision no but I do think that parents need to educate themselves about other options and make sure they are doing something that gives the baby enough nutrients not just empty calories. Yes there was a time that wet nurses were popular and that the wet nurse would give us her own baby to the care of the grandmother and being fed pre chewed rice was considered semi acceptable.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Felissa! Education is important Always! The Chief Blonde
OMG. The pressure is so horrible. I had practically no milk and I tortured myself for 6 months, squeezing myself 4 times a day in an empty office at work just to give ONE bottle of milk for my baby. I took drags to boost my milk production. I was depressed and felt guilty for not giving my baby breast milk. Public pressure should go away, but here is something that makes me just say ouch – jezebel.com/5904571/public-breastfeeding-needs-a-less-articulate-infant-spokesperson
And so you know I do know how to spell “drugs” LOL
Thanks Lena. I am sorry you had such a crappy experience, that was exactly what I was trying to avoid after seeing various girlfriends struggle through it, get no sleep, and living like zombies. I know that for some people it is a breeze, and I say..all the power to them. The Chief Blonde
Shelley, thank you for sharing. This is one of my fave posts of yours yet. It is so special to me that you are sharing this info with us. I am hoping to start a family soon and am already bombarded with others opinion and I’m not even pregnant yet!
Good for you that you stood your ground.
THanks Bre! I am glad I could shed some light on a difficult decision! The CHief Blonde
it is sad that you didn’t even want to try and see what it’s like. There is no way to know what you or child missed out on. Sure you’re kids are close to you, but what kind of university student calls her mother three times a day, is that because she is insecure?
I hate to be judgmental, but I admit it, I am. I think mothers who don’t want to breastfeed should at least try it before they knock it.
They comment about the size of your boobs is sad, because once you get nursing they go right back to normal size, unless you limit feedings and let it build up too long.
also, breastfeeding isn’t just for your baby’s health. Women who have babies and then don’t breastfeed are at a much higher risk of developing breast cancer.
And I would rethink the claim you made about formula being healthy for babies. It is not. It can keep them alive through infancy until they get started on solids, that doesn’t mean it’s very healthy for them. Maybe some formulas are better than others, I don’t know, I just know anytime I read the ingredients on a can of formula, one of the first ingredients is hydrogenated palm kernel oil. We all know that is not good for adults, let alone babies.
also, the argument that you wanted your body back to yourself really bugged me. I mean if you want your body to yourself, why are you having kids in the first place?
Also, buying formula is one extra cost that makes having a baby extremely unaffordable. How many people can afford to waste money on something their womanly body is designed and meant to do? I think that not breastfeeding is a denial of being a woman.
And lastly, the production of formula is bad for the environment. Think about all the fossil fuels burned in the production of formula, now the fuel burned to transport that formula to a store near you. Now you have to drive to the store and buy the formula, now you have to mix it up yourself and use fossil fuels to heat it to the right temperature? Your breasts can do all that for free, and no fossil fuels burned besides those used to grow the food you eat to produce the milk at room temperature (!) for your baby no matter where you are or what you are doing. Also, when mixing formula you must worry about the water quality, something your body takes care of when making breast milk.
All in all, I would say there aren’t a lot of good reasons to not breastfeed besides the mother wanting something for herself. The whole thing about having a baby is that babies have needs, and their needs are more important than our selfish wants and desires. If you can’t sacrifice your life for a couple of years and do what’s best for your child, then don’t bother having one.
Of course you have to still respect your needs and show your child they they aren’t there just to control you and have everything about them, but at a young age, their needs are very real, and your wants can be put on hold until their needs change.
Respectfully disagree with you Dawn! You have a lot of good points. I am so glad the process worked for you and your baby.
As to my daughter calling me three times a day from college? Once again, you make assumptions. My daughter was trained as a Prima Ballerina. She spent her High School time away from our family in another state. She called often from there to share her day and keep our bond strong. She is in the habit and still does that. I feel blessed to have a daughter who I am so close to and has been throughout our life.
Blessings on your day! The Chief Blonde
I didn’t breastfeed either and my 4 year old princess is doing just fine. I tried but she wasn’t having any part of it and my husband swore it was because of the size of my breasts – like you, already large and then with the milk – they were larger than her head! I tried 3 times and as the guilt built that she wasn’t getting nutrition, we opted for a bottle. The lactation consultant truly tried to make me feel like less of a mother for my choice, but I couldn’t understand how I should feel bad for trying to feed my child in whatever way worked for her. I think it’s a choice every mother should be able to make and that others should not judge. If you haven’t walked a mile in my bra….
What a great post Shelley! I think it is the mother’s choice to breastfeed or not to. I don’t have any children yet, so I have no idea what my choice will be- but I know it will in fact be my choice 🙂
Great picture too 🙂
I chose to breastfeed, but totally respect your decision not to. Every mom needs to do what is best for her and that is going to be different for everyone.
Good for you for sharing your story! This is such a personal issue that should be left up to each family to decide, without judgement from others.
I breastfed all 3 of my kids, but had to stop with my older 2 before I was ready because they bit. I got all kinds of stories about how I was ruining my kids by cutting them off, and was told it was just latch issues. Except neither one of them had latch issues, until they started teething, and they would suck fine, but the crap out of my nipple and then try to go back on. I suffered for 2 solid months of trying to breast feed my oldest as I wanted to make it to a year as it was important to me for my own reasons. Well, I couldn’t eat, I was throwing up from stress, and barely able to function. Once I got him to take a bottle we were so happy. So with my middle one once he started biting consistently formula he got. The baby bit me once, and that was it.
I think we all need to make our own decisions, and not judge others. Do I still think breastfeeding was the best for me? Yes. But when it was no longer best, I stopped.
some babies are bad biters, that sucks.
my baby bit me once and I reacted strongly, as they say to, and then started the mantra of ‘no biting’. The second she tried it she was unlatched and handed to her father. Lucky me this only lasted a few days and she wanted to nurse so much that she quickly figured out not to bite me. she is now two and I am actively trying to wean her, now I’m ready to stop, and she isn’t.