Breastfeeding is a Personal Choice
Blog Note: This post is part of our “Advice from those who Survived” Series, reflections of Women over 45 who made through pregnancy, motherhood, parenting, marriage, divorce, blended families, infertilty, PMS, female health issues, menopause and all the fun that goes with it.
The Chief Blonde and her son, Ben
I am kind of cringing in the corner as I write this. Breastfeeding is so touted, promoted, and “Approved” that people are aghast when they find out you don’t/didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t breastfeed. Hear me out, I CHOSE NOT TO BREASTFEED.
“But it’s the Best for the Baby” they gasp.
“You’ll miss critical Bonding time” they gush.
“He’ll get allergies” you are warned.
“She’ll feel neglected and unconnected with you” they chirp.
“You MUST breastfeed until they are 1 years old” they assert.
HMMMMM….
I Chose not to Breastfeed
I didn’t discuss this with anyone. I never carefully talked it over with my mother, my doctor, my husband or my baby. I just decided that breastfeeding was not for me. I watched my girlfriends “suffer” through it (cracked nipples, sleepless nights, constant worry) and I just said, “Um, NO THANKS”! So shoot me.
Why would a MBA with 20 years of formal education reject such a publically held notion and choose the “Unpopular” choice? Why would a mother who had suffered through 10 years of Husband ( the first husband) imposed waiting, then infertility, then a miscarriage, not choose the option that everyone “Says” is the only way to go? Why not even “Try” it? Well, I just didn’t want to, I chose to bottle feed. That was it. After 9 months of baby occupation, I needed my body back. I chose to bottle feed. I certainly didn’t mind feeding my children..it was a wonderful bonding time but I just didn’t feel that nutrition needed to come from me. I chose to bottle feed. During my pregnancy, my already large breasts swelled to gargantuan proportions. I just simply could not manage the size of them engorged with all that milk and pain. So I chose to bottle feed. I was never a big one for having my breasts touched anyway..so once again…I chose to bottle feed. My reasons are rational, and I never regretted it for one single second during and after both of my childrens’ births.
So what were the Results of My Choices? A Woman over 45 looks back.
As unpopular as my choice was among my friends, family, and society (yes, I took a lot of crap), my children turned out wonderful (IMO). My son is 21, studying to be a pharmacist, loves his mom and has no problem loving others. He is smart as a whip and the only allergies he has is a sensitivity to peanuts. My daughter is 19, gorgeous and lovely. She loves her mom and still calls me three times a day from University. She is super smart and talented and will be able to do ANYTHING she wants in life (She wants to be Martha Stewart). She does have seasonal allergies which she developed around 13. Related to lack of Breastfeeding…who will ever know?
Did either have a oversupply of childhood illnesses? Nope. Healthy as could be.
Did either ever hate my guts and not feel loved? Well it’s possible at moments..they WERE teenagers but no ..not really.
Did I dodge the “I didn’t breastfeed” bullet? Maybe. But I will NEVER regret my decision. I think breastfeeding would have made me NUTS.
Advice to NEW MOMS
In First World countries, babies can be given adequate nutrition from formula, IMO. You must do your research, consult the parenting books and make your own informed decisions. I am NOT a doctor, I am just a mom who decided breastfeeding wasn’t for me. I could not possibly advise you what you should do. Only you can decide that. But that is also my advice…ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE THAT! Know what I mean?
WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is Breastfeeding the ONLY way to feed a child?
Did this post make you think? Want to express an opinion? Can you Stumble it for me?
i told myself i would never breastfeed either and then i had my daughter and decided to go ahead and breastfeed because of what i was told about how nutritional it was for the baby. At first it was painful but i got use to it after the first month. I breastfeed until she was about 1. So far she is healthy, strong,and i am happy i breastfeed. It saved us a lot of money and it was easier for me to wake up with her in the middle of the night and fall back asleep with her while she was feeding then to get up and make a bottle. i will probably breastfeed any future children i have also.
I completely respect your choice not to breastfeed. Being a younger mother (my fist daughter was born when I was 20) most girls my age automatically go to the bottle anyway. I did however try to breastfeed and it broke my heart when I had to stop (I got sick and dried up). It did cause some digestive problems with my daughter and she had to be helped to use the bathroom for the first month of her life. After that though however she has been extremely healthy. Mind you she eats dirt (what toddler doesn’t) but I do plan on at least attempting to breastfeed my daughter that will be here in the coming months. Breastfeeding is not for everyone and I completely respect those who choose not to. I am actually the odd one out of my group of moms who choose to. This is a new day and age and what your baby eats is entirely your choice 🙂
Also, as for the comments about higher IQ I was bottle fed and I am a legal genius, therefore bottle feeding does not lower your IQ.
Thanks for your thoughtful remarks Nikki! The Chief Blonde
just because you are a legal genius doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have been even smarter, and perhaps more intuitive, than if you had been breastfed. Just because you were genetically predisposed to be smart, and turned out that way, doesnt’ mean you wouldn’t have benefitted from breastfeeding. you will never know. What’s done can’t be undone. glad you are having a happy life though, just don’t use yourself as an example for why not to do something that is proven to be better for babies.
I tried to breastfeed my daughter, but between the problems from my c-section and her not latching, it just did not work out that way. I am 46 years old. She is now 6 and a half and finishing up the first grade. She and I are extremely close and she runs along the lines of being gifted in math and science. She reads books that are of 3rd and early 4th grade level. She missed one day of school this year, because she threw up mucus from her sinuses right as were leaving to go to school. I believe I have done all that is right for her, because she is healthy and happy. No one should be made to feel bad for how they choose to bottle or breast feed.
I agree with you Theresa. So many people don’t realize what a fragile state the mother is in. I had just had a C-section and I was a wreck. I can’t imagine dealing with that a breast feeding too. The Chief Blonde
My first was a section, I hadn’t planned on having one but it was forced upon me, however I’m so glad that I breastfed afterwards as I didn’t have to worry about getting up and down to make bottles and such. Breastfeeding also helps the uterus return to normal and causes hormones that help in making you relaxed. For me breastfeeding after a section was much easier and it can be done without causing pain to the incision site.
I think we all need to make our own decisions. Yes I exclusively breastfed all three of mine and will do the same should the Lord give us more – however does it make me a better, loving, mom? No. I know the mom who bottle feeds loves her child just as much as me. However, formula is not as safe or as good when compared to breastmilk, even with added DHA – it’s still full of chemicals and other additives. I’ve learned also that what’s in that bottle may not be formula either, there are some women who prefer to pump and give a bottle in public – do we need to be breastfeeding Nazi’s and litmus test every bottle? No. That said my SIL chose to bottle feed my nephew – did I disagree? Yes. He was a preemie and should have had the best food available. Did I voice this to her? No. I too am well endowed and suffered engorgement and mastitis but thankfully I’m trained as a lactation counselor (not IBCLC) so I knew what to do and called my dr as well as treating it naturally at home. It hurt for about two days but not enough that made me want to switch to bottle. Mine enjoyed playing with my hair so I learned to pull it back before I fed them, I learned to tuck my necklace, turn it around or take it off as well. Also babies can be taught what not to touch. My hubby never had issue in not being able to feed our infants – he did plenty of feeding cereal and other stuff when they became older. I was told that breastfeeding is disgusting, I was told by someone else that it was like abusing my children, etc – so it’s not just BFer’s against bottles it’s also those who for whatever reason chose to bottle feed and feel the need to antagonize those who breastfeed. When my first daughter was a few weeks old I had my gallbladder out – I was told by the surgeon to put her on a bottle – so I pumped and tried a bottle, no go, she refused it. Guess what? She slept through my whole surgery and I nursed when we got home, she did fine and no side effects from the anesthesia. I had another surgery after my 3rd and same thing. Breastmilk is best and it should be tried, at least to give the infant the colostrum that is so vital and no formula can emulate but I know that some women don’t want to for whatever reason. For me breastfeeding was easiest, no need to mix (you’re not supposed to premix the formula), find warm water, test it, etc and cheapest – I can’t believe the prices of formula. I’m not here to make my experience sound great and perfect – trust me engorgement and mastitis is not fun or pain free but it can be managed and like any other pain it is soon forgotten. My son would only nurse on the left side while in the hospital and the nurse wouldn’t give me a pump so I had to have my hubby bring mine from home. I later realized they wanted to give my son formula even though he roomed in with me. Once we got home and I relaxed he nursed from both and he was the only one I didn’t get mastitis with. There are things to me that yes I think it’s best, but I also have learned we all need to practice grace 😀
P.S.. posted this over on your FB wall too.
Thanks for your well thought out and constructed comments Sarah! The Chief Blonde
This is the first post I’ve ever read like this. Good for you for sharing your experience. I did breastfeed my daughter until just after she was one. But, to be honest, I hated just about every minute of it. I have friends that are sad when they stop breastfeeding and have one who breastfed her third child until she turned 3! I just don’t understand that at all. If formula weren’t so expensive and my husband would be on board for formula feeding subsequent child, I would definitely at least consider it.
I am shocked it is the first, but glad I got my thoughts out there, even if it is 21 years later! The Chief Blonde
With my first baby, I attempted to breastfeed her. She was tongue tied and it was very hard for her to suck. I ended up bottle feeding her after 6 weeks. With my second I breast fed her for 8 months. I would never judge anyone on their decision to breastfeed or bottlefeed. I think it’s a personal choice.
I agree with you Stacie! There are so many factors which affect a mother’s choice. To place a blanket statement of “selfish” over the choice is just not fair, is it? The Chief Blonde
I have had 3 children. I decided not to breast feed the first time though I felt pressured by family and the pulic. The last two children I have had since 2010. Wow! I am still feeling guilty about deciding not to breast feed. My 2010 baby, I tried. I tried in the hospital and it was not working! They were bottle feeding her so I thought why not?! My husband wanted me to bottle feed so he had a chance to feed her. Go Dad! My 2011 baby, I told everyone that I am NOT breast feeding! The nurse told me that I probably had problems breast feeding before because I am hypo thyroid. The hypo thyroid comment became my excuse not to breast feed. Why should I feel guilty even 14 years after my first!! It is my right. People tell me that I might not lose all the baby weight because I did not breast feed. Oh well! My fourteen year old, bottle fed baby, is an A student and always has been.
Guilt! Wow we mother’s carry a lot don’t we? The CHief Blonde
The reason Breastfeeding is so promoted, is because it IS best for baby. I don’t think that it is meant to pressure people into breastfeeding when they don’t want to. There are so many benefits that breastmilk provides that formula never could. I bottlefed my first, and I wish I wouldn’t have. I am breastfeeding my second, and yes, it is hard work, painful at times, but I feel great knowing that I am doing what is best for my little one.
Thanks for sharing your views in this conversation Jenna. The Chief Blonde
Brava! Thank you! There are perfectly good reasons not to breastfeed. For those of us living in the ‘first world’, where good formula is readily available, bottle feeding is an acceptable option. This a very personal decision and women should not be shamed into breastfeeding. This almost fascist, authoritarian push to force American women to breastfeed is disturbing. As with all choices of a very personal nature, it is always best to keep opinions quiet. Thank you again for having the courage to share your decision. Most appreciated!
I am a very bold person. Decisions like this are not taken lightly for me. I have been defending my decision for years but like I said…Never regretted it!
I didn’t get to breastfeed my son. I pumped with him but I didn’t get to breastfeed. He was so premature I felt like I was doing him a favor by giving him breastmilk. With my daughter though, it was the opposite. I breastfed for like 3 weeks and had to stop. She was making my nipples bleed and it HURT!!
Thanks for chiming in Jessica! The Chief Blonde
I tried with both my kids, but it just didn’t work. It was very hard after 3-4 weeks to decide to stop breastfeeding, and though I did get a few comments, I don’t regret it. I tried my best and that’s what’s important.
They turned out wonderful – tall and thin, beautiful, smart, funny and so cute!
I would have been nice if I could make it work, but they’re growing up fine with formula.
If I have another baby in the future, I think I won’t even try to breastfeed.
Thank you so much for this post!
It’s a lot harder than a lot of people will admit.
Oh dear, my mother never breast fed me. I must be a sickly, simpering idiot that hates my mother because she robbed me of beautiful things. People absolutely amaze me. No one disses my mother without me saying something about it. It’s a gut reaction. The woman is a Saint. I breastfed my son but even I know that there is more to raising a healthy, well adjusted child than if one breast fed or not.
Teehee Suzanne!
I feel sad when I see that a mother thinks this way. I feel bad for not only the baby for missing out on a critical part of life but for the mother for the same reason. In regards for being nervous because you seen someone else go through hell is pointless because everyone is different. The lady going through pain clearly had something wrong and should have found a breastfeeding counsellor to help with that. Breastfeeding does not hurt. If I was ask what is the best experience in my life I would say breastfeeding my child. In my opinion there shouldn’t be another way to feed a child unless its breast milk from a bottle that simulates breastfeeding. Formula is garbage and should never enter a babies body at any point. I mean just pick up the package and read the ingredients, they speak for themselves. They are just compounded chemicals. I honestly think its fairly selfish to not breastfeed, especially when actually “choosing” not to.. It is not a personal choice… It was a choice to have a baby and if a parent can not or is not willing to provide what their child needs then why would one want to start a family? Possibly not ready? Selfish? Im not really sure. I had many issues when breastfeeding yet we are still going strong at 2 years. There is tons of evidence saying that children who breastfeeding have more of a bond with their mother, are sick less often and have a higher IQ. Why on earth would I want to rob my child of those beautiful things? I wouldn’t and I can even start to understand why another mother would. Sorry the long rant just feel this needs to be said. Im not willing to argue the point at its fairly straight forward.
Well Amy. I respectfully disagree with you. Good for you for making the choice you did. I did exactly what I needed to do, and I feel my children did not suffer for it. Your point is straightforward to you as you are closeminded on the point, which is fine. I did not see the impact on my children at all that you describe. ANd while it is possible that you did make the best choice, if my children were any healthier (they hardly ever missed school), any more sporty (my son is a black belt and my daughter was a prima ballerina), any smarter ( all honors classes, Ap classes, High ACT scores, etc.) or closer…well I surely could never ever ask for more. Chicken mcnuggets and french fries are garbage, I admit that my children did eat some of those..not a ton but some. I drink diet coke..total garbage. But I am not as adamant about the breastfeeding vesus bottle fed issue as you are. I did not note any of the things you are talking about. I applaud you for your choice, and I don’t fault me for mine. Oh by the way, my husband and I were both Bottle fed as were his four brothers and sisters and mine. In fact, most of our generation was bottlefed. We all love our parents, have Masters degrees or higher, and are in our high forties and fifties with exemplary health. So…. I hope that when you are fifty and your kids are grown that you can look back and be as sure about your decisions.
Amy, my bottle fed child has a documented IQ of 169, how much higher should I have aimed for? He is also in 3 AP classes and the rest are honors. If you ever saw the two of us together, there would be no mistaking our bond (and he is almost 16!). I do not attack a woman who breastfeeds, only those who think they are superior (and their children are) because they do. I was sexually molested for years! Even after years of therapy, I was terrified the pattern would continue, as they say it often does. I chose not to breastfeed to reduce that “risk”. See, I DID put my child first!
I really dislike when people dont understand why i didnt breastfeed but i couldnt do it. All my kids were of a very good weight even when they werent breastfed. My 2 year old was born with low blood sugar and had to get special formula so i couldnt breastfeed him he is now 40 pounds lol of course he was 9lbs when he was born. As for you not getting that bounding time thats a bunch of BS my kids are all super close to me sometimes to close lol i say good for you for making the choice to not breastfeed. ps that is the cutest picture ever
thanks for your input into the discussion Elizabeth
I love your story on why you Chose not to breastfeed. You had very valid reasons and it was a personal choice – it is for everyone. You weighed the differences and made a decision based on your needs and what you were comfortable with, and it’s obvious you were and still are a GREAT mom regardless of your early methods (note, not ‘in spite of’ or ‘because of’ – I don’t want to infer that I think your choice was inferior or superior, just that it was what it was AND you’re a good mother!)
I think everyone should give it thought and weigh one side’s risks/benefits/investments against the other before making a decision on anything, breastfeeding/bottle-feeding included.
As a breastfeeding mother I totally understand about wanting your body back. Some days I do too – like when my teens give me one heck of a day and I just want some wine to relax in the evening, LOL! It was something I was already aware of when I chose once again to feed this way, but I decided it was well worth the savings on formula to invest the time and my “resources” in this option. It is a personal choice, and everyone is different. No mother is any lesser for choosing one way or another, so long as they love their child unconditionally.
I really think it is ridiculous anyone has to defend their choice one way or another. They’re feeding their child, versus NOT feeding them. Isn’t that a good thing?
Thank you for your understanding Moon along with explaining your position.
I chose to breastfeed my daughter who is now 21, but I think it’s totally the mother’s choice. As long as the baby is healthy and thriving, that’s what’s important.
You are right Kimmy. The Baby is the main focus. Premies especially can benefit from breastfeeding as I understand. My kids were monsters..both over 8 lbs.
I like you also decided not to breast feed. Call it selfish but after 9 months of sharing my body I wanted it to be just mine again. Both children have no allergies, both are nurturers, and both are extremely close to me and are very smart. One is a nurse and the other a 3 D graphics designer. I applaud those that choose to and those that do not. It is a personal choice and one that the mother feels is best for her and her baby.
Thank you Grace for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you.
I will start off by saying I breastfed all 3 of my children exclusively. 1st son to 12 months, 2nd and 3rd sons till 18 months. For me personally breastfeeding was my only choice and never considered formula.
BUT my best friend is exactly like you. She didn’t want to bf and didn’t. She didn’t try and not like it, she just knew it wasn’t for her. I don’t think I am any better of a mother than she is. It is very refreshing to hear mother’s who don’t bf, admit it’s because they didn’t want to!! Not come up with a list of reason’s on why they couldn’t/ wouldn’t/ didn’t.
It is a mother’s choice. And I applaud ALL woman who own their decisions, no matter what friends, family, society have to say about it.
It helps to understand someone when you know someone close to you who makes this decision. Not for you obviously, but it gives you understanding
Thank you! I too chose NOT to breast feed. My son is almost 16 and was never one for getting sick. I used to try to make people see why I chose not to (molestation for years as a child), now I say I do not need to defend my choice! It was the right one for me and my son.
Each to her own 🙂